September 11, 2015 3.47 pm This story is over 71 months old

The rich live longer than the poor – who knew?!

Matt Osborne writes that he was utterly underwhelmed by the unstaggering (non) revelation that the rich have a longer life expectancy than the poor.

Listening to the radio this morning whilst pounding the rubber of the treadmill (yes I know it was a beautiful morning, but the world isn’t ready for me in lycra just yet) I was utterly underwhelmed by the unstaggering (non) revelation that the rich have a longer life expectancy than the poor.

Professor Sir Michael Marmot (president elect of the World Medical Association no less) was pitching his new book ‘The Health Gap’ in which he will shock, astound and amaze (in equally low measures) purchasers of his book with life-changing revelations on how those who have more money than sense, and employ minions to lift that proverbial finger can expect to live longer than the destitute.

Well I never!  How I didn’t trip and fall from the treadmill in a crumpled heap the Lord only knows.

And then it came to me… if a knighted and esteemed academic can publish this 400-page tome (a snip at £20 rrp), then there is hope for all budding writers out there too!

If you fancy a day (two at the most) behind the keyboard, then here’s a few suggestions for you:

Mysteries of the galaxy

Stagger your readers with mind-bending galactic facts; including how the sun doesn’t rise in the East after all – no – it is the earth that rotates around this solar magnet and it just appears to us that it is the sun ‘rising’.

Professor Sir Manc McBrian of Cox will rave “I was dumbfounded by the facts in this book.  Things really have got better – ‘that song’ was right after all.  This book has been life-changing for me – although somewhat bitter sweet as my academic life is now a sham.”

Mothers’ tales exposed

‘Out’ your parents and other unnamed ‘elderly spouses’ as the charlatans that they are.  The world will thank you for finally establishing that:

  • Your face will NOT stay like that if the wind changes direction
  • There is no possibility that someone will lose their eye if you swing that around
  • A bag of coal was not even remotely likely on Christmas Day
  • Your eyes cannot morph from ovals into square shaped monstrosities from watching too much television
  • There is no link between ‘personal attention’ and myopia
  • Eating carrots will not equip you with night vision

Claire Railnor: “My only regret on reading this literary masterpiece is that I could have given better advice to children over the years.  I hope to make amends.”

Everyday myths debunked

With little (no) research, you can finally put an end to some of the worst untruths uttered in everyday parlance:

  • That Porsche driver who just passed your car as if you were stationary WILL get there faster than you
  • Policemen aren’t getting younger – we all age with time, and you are now as old/older then the average age at which a recruit can expect to graduate
  • A full stomach will not cause a lack of buoyancy that results in your drowning

The Discovery Channel’s Mothbusters: “We suck! Why we didn’t think about proving these facts wrong will haunt me for the rest of my days.  Our only wish is that we can still make another series”.

Just thought I’d help you on your way to literary renown.

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Matt is a columnist and author on all things freelance, engineering and consultancy – with rants and thought-provoking observations thrown in for good measure. He also runs a freelance consultancy in Lincoln; fulfilling his lifelong ambition to be his own boss after 16 years serving in both the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force. His consultancy attracts and employs high quality engineers alongside the finest defence and business professionals. Matt is a Chartered Engineer, and avid reader and huge football fan.