Elizabeth Hicks

By Elizabeth Hicks elizabethhicks

Separation is not an easy time for anybody, but is especially difficult when children are involved. Although you or your partner may have called time on your relationship, you are still potentially going to have to keep on communicating and negotiating around parenting issues, child care agreements and appear socially together for future family events such as christenings, graduations and weddings. Research shows that separating well means better outcomes for all of the family.

It can be a turbulent time for all involved in the aftermath of a separation. Feelings are raw, and you or your partner may struggle to contain this emotionally and with your behaviour whilst you both are coming to terms with the loss of your relationship and navigate around the practical issues.

Although it can be impossible to always avoid arguing in front of your child, try to move on from stuck conversations about previous issues and focus your discussions on practical and parenting issues. If you do have conflict in front of your child, try to reach a compromise point so your child can see you are working towards a more positive place.

Leave “the grown-up stuff” to the grown-ups and allow your child to be a child, rather than a replacement partner, mediator or best friend. Work together towards reaching a place where you can put your own feelings aside for the good of your child, especially around contact issues. Try to be positive about the other parent when talking to your child and give your child reassurance that although the family is no longer together, your child is still very loved by both parents.

If at all possible, try to negotiate on the main aspects of parenting so that your child does not play one parent off against the other. However, part of the change may be in supporting your child through the process of experiencing differences between each parent’s home and two sets of rules and boundaries. If you are struggling to communicate with your ex partner about this on your own, consider asking a neutral third person to help facilitate these conversations or consider mediation.

Be aware that children quickly learn to say what they think a parent wants to hear to avoid hurting their feelings, so try not to use your child as a go between. Your child will also be coming to terms with change, loss and a mixture of feelings. They may show sadness, confusion and anger towards either parent as they start to try and make sense of it. Each child may react differently, within a different time scale and use different coping strategies. If family life leading up to separation has been particularly acrimonious, your child may appear more settled now than before, as continuous conflict or a negative atmosphere can be exhausting and detrimental for all involved.

Consider whether counselling would be useful to either yourself or your child as support through this process. Separation counselling can be useful in helping couples to seek closure on their relationship and working towards healthy communication as parents.

Remember not to forget the importance of grandparents and other family members in regards to keeping in contact and in giving your child a sense of belonging and family.

Sometimes a break up can get very messy – there may be power imbalances, a history of domestic abuse, or safety concerns for either of the parents or the child. In these cases it may be useful to gain support through local services and support groups in order to manage the break up, parental visits and hand-overs in a safe and consistent way.

For advice on all aspects of separation and parenting take a look at the Relate website for further information and signposting.

Elizabeth works for Relate Lincolnshire as a Clinical Supervisor, Couple & Family Counsellor, Psychosexual Therapist & Sex Addiction Specialist. She has been trained by the Relate Institute, Institute of Family Therapy and Association for the Treatment of Sex Addiction & Compulsivity. She is a member of the professional bodies of COSRT, BACP & ATSAC. She has worked with a wide variety of clients and has a wealth of experience.

By Elizabeth Hicks elizabethhicks

As Valentine’s Day looms and the commercial world cranks up a gear, it can feel like everyone else is, in Beyonce’s words, crazy in love. Days in the calendar come and go, but for some it can be a painful reminder of what they may have lost or never had. Or, perhaps you may be celebrating becoming single and the fresh new start it can bring.

Valentine’s Day does not have to be all about the couple. Take it as an opportunity to give yourself some self loving. We can get busy and forget to take care of ourselves. What do you do to relax and unwind? What can you give yourself as a treat, just because you are you?

If you want to be in a relationship but have struggled to find a partner, perhaps take the pressure off yourself for a while. Think about widening your interests and friendships. Take up a new hobby, widen your perspective, start to think about enjoying life as it is and don’t put life on hold whilst you wait.

If you have recently separated, this time of year can bring mixed feelings. It is especially challenging if you are not the person who called time on the relationship. After a break up we can have a “rose tinted” view of the relationship, and only later we start to see that it may not have all been perfect. This can help us to move on. Recovering from a separation is also part of a grieving process, so remember to give yourself healing time and an abundance of self love. Be with people who love you for who you are, see it as an opportunity to reconnect with friends and family.

Sometimes we can struggle with our identity when we become single, using our relationships to validate our sense of self worth. To be able to love others, we need to start by loving ourselves. Negative thoughts can over take the positive ones. They become loud and we believe them. Try offering yourself an alternative positive thought about you, it may be a small voice to begin with, but nurture it and give it time to become louder. Remember a time you felt good about you in your own right. Find a photograph of you in a positive place emotionally and stick it on your fridge to remind you.

Life can give us negative strokes; readdress the balance by reconnecting with the positive ones.

Finances and practical arrangements can also be an issue. Get some advice; it can give you a greater sense of stability if the practical aspects are all in hand. If you have been feeling low and now feel overwhelmed, start by making a list and doing one thing at a time and perhaps ask for some support from friends or family. Explore what support is available for you within the community.

Being alone because of the death of a loved one can be incredibly painful. Take some time to acknowledge that the loneliness, tears and sadness are a healthy part of the grieving cycle. It is also perfectly normal to feel anger and despair. Be kind to yourself; take one step at a time. Get some photographs out and reminisce over the good times, play a special song or take some time to share a memory of your partner with someone else.

On a final note, if you are single and proud, enjoy it. Society can place expectations on us; however, we are all individuals. Be who you are and enjoy the benefits that being single brings.

Elizabeth works for Relate Lincolnshire as a Clinical Supervisor, Couple & Family Counsellor, Psychosexual Therapist & Sex Addiction Specialist. She has been trained by the Relate Institute, Institute of Family Therapy and Association for the Treatment of Sex Addiction & Compulsivity. She is a member of the professional bodies of COSRT, BACP & ATSAC. She has worked with a wide variety of clients and has a wealth of experience.