Kate Taylor

By Kate Taylor katetaylor

It is a year this week since I was sexually assaulted at a Christmas party. I re-read the blog I wrote at the time, it went like this:

One evening I endured a demeaning three hours of sexual innuendos, harassment and I fear if I hadn’t left, assault. (Though I think pretending to air kiss my cheek then pushing my head down to imitate oral sex perhaps counts towards the latter). 

With comments made with a hungry glint in their eye, I take a guess they thought of it as a great sport, knowing in any other circumstance their behaviour would not only not be tolerated, it would’ve probably earned them a slap if not a police call. 
They knew I was in a position whereby it would cause massive upset to both hosts and guests if anything were said, and enjoyed this to their advantage.

I came home so outraged and disgusted, somehow I felt like it was my fault, like I could’ve warded them off better. The plain black shift dress, thick black tights and cardigan – with only forearms and head hinting my pale skin that should have been further covered up… I felt sullied.

A long, hot shower that burned as it poured over my skin, the scrubbing with a sponge that left my body even more hurt than I was, and the tears that stung my eyes and caught in my throat as I tried to catch for air, it left me no cleaner than when I stepped in the cubicle.

As it happens I was assaulted that evening, but even on a little read blog, I couldn’t manage to say it aloud. Over the past few days I have thought long and hard about what, as a survivor, I have felt over the past 12 months. Consciously, not that much. But when I choose what to wear on an evening out, the first night I kissed my partner, it was there. What if it happens again? And it had. I have suffered three accounts already in my lifetime, and a barrage of sexual harassment from adolescence onwards.

This week I have spoken to several people about their stories. One incredible woman, whom I happen to adore, was raped and sexually abused as a young adult by a much older man she called her boyfriend. She didn’t say no again, what would be the point? A year later, on holiday with friends, a fellow camper she quite liked crawled into her sleeping bag. She protested, vehemently, did she shout and kick? No, for fear of disturbing others and making a scene. Does that mean there was consent, because a terrified woman didn’t shout out her unwillingness from the roof tops? No, it doesn’t.

Another friend of mine was assaulted by a stranger at a party, whilst also being in an abusive relationship. On that occasion she did call the police, after taking evidence, they got back to her a month later, there was no trace of him. Her girlfriend at the time paid no sympathy, and became increasingly verbally abusive. This lead to a second abusive relationship that finished some months ago, after it turned into physical abuse and an affair with a married man.

In all instances, these women are left wondering, “why me”? “What do I do, what have I done that promotes behaviour?” Because in our society, it is far too easy for a victim to feel like it was somehow their fault. It was their stupidity. Why did it happen again, why go back, why not shout out?

The past few weeks have seen dozens of opinion pieces on the subject of Shia LaBeouf, who was raped during his recent performance art exhibition #IAMSORRY. The crux of the incident is that Shia would sit in an empty room whilst one of his co-artists would stand outside and offer a ‘prop’ relating to the actor for people to take inside. This included a bottle of Jack Daniels, a Transformers toy and indeed, a whip. The perpetrator took in the prop and proceeded to whip him for ten minutes then rape him. Upon realising something was wrong several people entered the room and pulled the woman off, leaving a victim. Many people, including Piers Morgan, have accused LaBeouf of detracting attention from ‘real victims’. Why didn’t he push her off? Why didn’t they cry out?

Rape, sexual abuse, assault and harassment are rarely clear cut. They are a violation of the physical self, but the internal scars last a life time. Men CAN be victims as much as women. They are ALL survivors. Various agencies have advocated anti-rape campaigns, but most of these are centred around women.

Not only in terms of being the victim, along with directing advice on how said women can protect themselves (try an internet search for ‘ways to discourage rapists’). For support after a crime, methods for recovery rarely feature re-introducing others of the same gender of the perpetrator in a safe environment, thus helping to re-build trust for future relationships of any kind.

One that has bucked the trend, and should be greatly appreciated, is Greater Manchester Police. Their recent campaign has the tag line of ‘Drinking is not a crime, rape is.’ along with what has become a popular Twitter trend #noconsentmeansnosex. Our society desperately needs to wake up to this line of thinking, and develop it further across sub-cultures everywhere.

We need to be teaching not only our children, but all men, that not only does no mean no, but anything other than an enthusiastic yes is no too. A year ago I could’ve been wearing a thigh splitting flesh coloured dress and platform heels, or dressed as a nun, neither one makes me more or less deserving of such behaviour.

I asked those I spoke to if there was one thing they could say to a fellow survivor, and with a sad but brave smile, each and every one said; ‘It’s not your fault. You are not stupid, you did what you could. You CAN and WILL get through this.’ You are a survivor. You will have dark days, we all do, but the light shines again, it always does.

Next time you hear of someone, whether celebrity, next door neighbour or loved one, who has suffered some form of sexual violence, take a minute. Our default setting, for the sake of humanity, should be to comfort, to listen and most importantly, to believe. We cannot know whether they are telling the truth, but we should always err on the side of kindness until proven otherwise.

Kate Taylor is a sociologist, mother and tea and cake lover. When not working in sociological and marketing research with her company, Galilee Research, Kate can be found talking about political philosophy on the school run.

By Kate Taylor katetaylor

Our Facebook, Twitter and Google+ feeds have been dominated by apprehensive men and women in their back gardens, not to mention the swath of celebrities in all manner of locations adorning the YouTube home page, all with one thing in common. The dreaded ice bucket.

In India, where water, never mind ice, is scarce, Manju Kalanidhi came up with her own alternative – the rice bucket challenge. No, this does not involve drowning yourself in basmati like an iPhone reviving itself after a trip in the bathtub, but giving a bucket of rice to those in desperate need of food. Kalanidhi suggests for those in the western world, donating to food banks and charities can make a good alternative.

There is also the rubble bucket; in Palestine, Abu Yazan has filmed himself, nephew and cousin doused in sand and rubble left over from the desolation in Gaza, asking people to not only donate to aid charities helping those in need over the coming months, but to make the unspeakable tragedies heard, and remembered.

As the internet swells with this latest sensation, there has been a backlash as to various charities hijacking the ALS challenge for their own causes, one in particular being Macmillan Cancer Research. In actual fact the ice bucket craze has a variety of origins. Some months ago in late 2013/early 2014 as the ‘cold water challenge’ became popular in North America as a way of donating to cancer charities, amongst others. There were also challenges in Australia and New Zealand, again for the charity of the lucky participant’s choice, around July of this year.

The shift towards ALS reportedly came after golfer Chris Kennedy performed the challenge and nominated his cousin Jeannette Senerchia, who’s husband has been diagnosed with ALS for 11 years.

The viral sensation has been increasingly lambasted for a number of reasons. From people performing the challenge and not donating, the boastful nature of accepting a nomination, to people ‘blindly’ donating to one specific charity without stopping to think of where their money is going; or if it could be put to better use with a smaller charity in greater need.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or motor neurons disease as it is more commonly known in the UK, is a neurodegenerative disease that affects around 5,000 people in Britain at any given time. There is no specific test, which can lead to many months of anguish and confusion before a diagnosis of which there is currently no cure.

Angelina Fanous wrote last week about the struggles those with MND and their loved ones face from such a terrible disease, which will leave the affected with increased muscle weakness, from fine motor skills to eventually an inability to swallow, or breathe, unaided. Included in the article is the video made by Anthony Carbajal, who speaks of his recent diagnosis and having watched his mother and grandmother’s struggle with the same disease.

She writes: “Yes, people are spending money on ice to dump over their heads, but that’s an element of fundraising, like making team T-shirts for a charity or bringing cookies to a bake sale. All the cynics who want people to donate in humility and not post it on our social media feeds completely overlook the fundamental reality that humans are social animals. In the hierarchy of needs, we search for community and fulfil the urge to belong, so donating without dumping buckets of water on our heads disconnects us from a cause. It’s about being a part of something.”

‘Awareness’ may be a hyped word in today’s society, but in this case, it has worked. Having spoken to two shop assistants recently on the topic, it became apparent just how divided feelings were. One was preparing her bucket for later in the week, the other spoke of how she strongly disagreed with the amount of money the likes of the MND association spent on administration costs.

From the official annual report, it appears that in 2011/12 and 2012/13 the aforementioned charity spent 81% and 79% of donations on charitable expenditure, directly helping those in need. Charity Navigator have a page entitled ‘Top 10 Best Practices of Savvy Donors’, it notes that the best charities tend to spend 25% or less on fundraising and administrative costs.

It is an unfortunate cross charities have to bare in that their organisations cannot be run on volunteers alone. Those helping cannot live on good will alone, however much one believes in karma. Arguably it is said that those in the highest positions should not be paid such large wages, but the unfortunate truth is that those with the knowledge and expertise – whether it be corporate or scientific, would for the most part move to the private sector if the average wage were much lower.

Whilst the free bookmarks and biros, bumper stickers and t shirts may confound us as to how wisely our donations are being spent, raising awareness is a key feature into tapping the human psyche. The fact of the matter is that charities are continuingly bridging the gap that government aid cannot. Look at Sport and Comic Relief, raising millions every year by lampooning about on our television screens and PC monitors to help the poor and suffering.

If getting ourselves a bit chilly can in anyway help those in need, whether through monetary donations or raising an organisation’s profile along with a smile, then I say let the cameras role.

I will be donating a food parcel to the Lincoln Community Larder, along with donating to Christian Aid for the Gaza appeal and the MND Association. If you would like to donate to any of these causes after seeing me get very cold, and very wet, not to mention awaiting my nomination’s videos, please see the information below:

• Lincoln Community Larder – to donate online please visit the website, select ‘donate to a charity’ and enter their name where it will take you to their page. Alternatively they welcome food donations, a guide to what is most suitable can be found here.
• Christian Aid Gaza Appeal – to donate, and see what work they are doing in Palestine and Israel, please visit their webpage.
• MND Association – You can visit their JustGiving page here, alternatively you can text ICED55 £5 (or whatever you can give) to 70070 or call 01604 611860 referencing the ice bucket challenge.

Kate Taylor is a sociologist, mother and tea and cake lover. When not working in sociological and marketing research with her company, Galilee Research, Kate can be found talking about political philosophy on the school run.