Avatar photo

Matt Osborne

MattOsborne

Matt is a columnist and author on all things freelance, engineering and consultancy – with rants and thought-provoking observations thrown in for good measure. He also runs a freelance consultancy in Lincoln; fulfilling his lifelong ambition to be his own boss after 16 years serving in both the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force. His consultancy attracts and employs high quality engineers alongside the finest defence and business professionals. Matt is a Chartered Engineer, and avid reader and huge football fan.


I read this weekend the somewhat ironic news that GCHQ – the eponymous home of snooping – is suggesting that we may wish to make our online passwords a bit easier.

Enter stage left: conspiracy theorists.

But does this advice make sense, or is it a thinly-veneered attempt to make electronic eavesdropping that bit easier?  Now I accept that a tendency for paranoia doesn’t mean people AREN’T talking about you behind your back; but I do agree that this is good advice from those whose business it is to circumnavigate encryption and security measures.

GCHQ have released a report entitled ‘Password Guidance’ in which they argue that “by simplifying your organisation’s approach to passwords, you can reduce the workload on users, lessen the support burden on IT departments, and combat the false sense of security that unnecessarily complex passwords can encourage”.

It transpires that the demands of many applications and websites that you use capital letters, special characters, numbers; and their restrictions on using dates of birth, pets’ names, inside leg measurements, using the same letter twice, using anything credited as a valid word in Scrabble, the Roman alphabet and anything you stand a cat in hell’s chance of remembering…simply do not cause any frustrations for the hacker or make it any more secure!

At last we can free ourselves from the shackles of impossible to create and remember passwords – we can be liberated from memorising which of the 22 different passwords (according to the GCHQ report) we set for which account.  Or at least we can when developers and employers heed this advice.

GCHQ suggest we could use 4 random words strung together in a xxxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx format.  You will have to remember these random words of course.

An approach I adopted some years back was to define a song, poem or book that I could associate with the system I had to create a password for, and use characters based upon it. Let me give you an example:

You need to create a password for a government-run website portal, and associate this with the oft-berated public school boys who are charged with running our country.  Perhaps ‘Eton Rifles’ by The Jam springs to mind?

In this case, your password could become 3tonr1fl3s (noting the substitution of letters for numbers – or you may decide to substitute the ‘1’ for a ‘!’)

Alternatively, you could choose the first line of the song, or a memorable line from it.  The opening line to this ‘track’ (sorry – I’m not down with the kids enough to know whether that’s the up-to-date vernacular) is ‘Sup up your beer and collect your fags’.  In this instance your password could become ‘suyb@cyf’ (again substituting the ‘a’ for ‘@’).

Should an application insist on numbers (despite this advice from GCHQ) then you can simply add 4 or 6 memorable numbers at the end or the beginning.  This won’t make the password any more/less secure – but it may just stop you throwing an expensive computer out of the window.

What tips do you have for creating and memorising passwords?  Why not let everyone else know in the comments (without granting access to your bank account of course).

Matt is a columnist and author on all things freelance, engineering and consultancy – with rants and thought-provoking observations thrown in for good measure. He also runs a freelance consultancy in Lincoln; fulfilling his lifelong ambition to be his own boss after 16 years serving in both the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force. His consultancy attracts and employs high quality engineers alongside the finest defence and business professionals. Matt is a Chartered Engineer, and avid reader and huge football fan.

Listening to the radio this morning whilst pounding the rubber of the treadmill (yes I know it was a beautiful morning, but the world isn’t ready for me in lycra just yet) I was utterly underwhelmed by the unstaggering (non) revelation that the rich have a longer life expectancy than the poor.

Professor Sir Michael Marmot (president elect of the World Medical Association no less) was pitching his new book ‘The Health Gap’ in which he will shock, astound and amaze (in equally low measures) purchasers of his book with life-changing revelations on how those who have more money than sense, and employ minions to lift that proverbial finger can expect to live longer than the destitute.

Well I never!  How I didn’t trip and fall from the treadmill in a crumpled heap the Lord only knows.

And then it came to me… if a knighted and esteemed academic can publish this 400-page tome (a snip at £20 rrp), then there is hope for all budding writers out there too!

If you fancy a day (two at the most) behind the keyboard, then here’s a few suggestions for you:

Mysteries of the galaxy

Stagger your readers with mind-bending galactic facts; including how the sun doesn’t rise in the East after all – no – it is the earth that rotates around this solar magnet and it just appears to us that it is the sun ‘rising’.

Professor Sir Manc McBrian of Cox will rave “I was dumbfounded by the facts in this book.  Things really have got better – ‘that song’ was right after all.  This book has been life-changing for me – although somewhat bitter sweet as my academic life is now a sham.”

Mothers’ tales exposed

‘Out’ your parents and other unnamed ‘elderly spouses’ as the charlatans that they are.  The world will thank you for finally establishing that:

  • Your face will NOT stay like that if the wind changes direction
  • There is no possibility that someone will lose their eye if you swing that around
  • A bag of coal was not even remotely likely on Christmas Day
  • Your eyes cannot morph from ovals into square shaped monstrosities from watching too much television
  • There is no link between ‘personal attention’ and myopia
  • Eating carrots will not equip you with night vision

Claire Railnor: “My only regret on reading this literary masterpiece is that I could have given better advice to children over the years.  I hope to make amends.”

Everyday myths debunked

With little (no) research, you can finally put an end to some of the worst untruths uttered in everyday parlance:

  • That Porsche driver who just passed your car as if you were stationary WILL get there faster than you
  • Policemen aren’t getting younger – we all age with time, and you are now as old/older then the average age at which a recruit can expect to graduate
  • A full stomach will not cause a lack of buoyancy that results in your drowning

The Discovery Channel’s Mothbusters: “We suck! Why we didn’t think about proving these facts wrong will haunt me for the rest of my days.  Our only wish is that we can still make another series”.

Just thought I’d help you on your way to literary renown.

Matt is a columnist and author on all things freelance, engineering and consultancy – with rants and thought-provoking observations thrown in for good measure. He also runs a freelance consultancy in Lincoln; fulfilling his lifelong ambition to be his own boss after 16 years serving in both the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force. His consultancy attracts and employs high quality engineers alongside the finest defence and business professionals. Matt is a Chartered Engineer, and avid reader and huge football fan.

+ More stories